1. Artisanal ice
$1 per cube? Maybe if you carved it into the Brooklyn Bridge. I do so love bridges.
Seriously: I’d pay for something that deserves the artisanal moniker by having true artistic merit. But these aren’t even infused with anything. It’s like having artisanal toast…oh, hm. Artisanal water, I guess – seriously? There’s artisanal water? Fine, artisanal air, then. What. OK. That has to be a spoof. That’s a joke, right guys?
2. Keurig cups
What’s that, Lassie? Humans are so selfish and short-sighted that we’re sacrificing the integrity of the environment in exchange for the convenience of a 1-minute cup of coffee whose waste product would encircle the Earth more than ten times?
Yes, I got visited by the Keurig Regret Fairy last night after having a hot chocolate at work. Her arguments were very thorough. I guess she’d have had a ton of time to come up with them over however many thousands of years it took for Keurigs to be invented.
3. Ebola Panic Dude
STOP IT. JUST STOP. If you’re so scared of getting sick, go live in the woods like this guy. Admit it: you want an outbreak. You want to be Ebola Rick Grimes. Sorry to disappoint ya, chuck, but you don’t get to be a hero in this story unless you care to handle sick people, and frankly I don’t have that much faith in your status as a thoughtful and compassionate human being.